Encounters With The Nagual: Part 2 - Chapter 37. Return to the Essence.

Encounters With The Nagual © 2004 by Armando Torres:

Part 2 - Chapter 37. Return to the Essence.

After I had practiced Carlos' teachings for a while, they began to leave an imprint on me.

Although I was mistrustful at the beginning, I soon verified an astonishing state of awareness beyond my mental parameters.

Suddenly, I became possessed by an urgent need to understand; but not with my reason. Rather, I needed to understand with the totality of my body.

I had come to a point where the foundations of my everyday existence finally crumbled. It became evident to me that the perception of sorcerers contains universes of experiences that previously I did not had the slightest awareness of.

During this whole process, I went through an intense identity crisis. At times I would behave as a daring and unprejudiced investigator, but then, at the next moment, I turned into the epitome of mental resistance.

I realized that these emotional fluctuations were from Carlos' conversations.

After listening to him, I would pass weeks in feverish activity. I would attempt dreaming, and I would practice all of the techniques that I had heard of, or that I had read about. But, little by little, my initial enthusiasm would cool down, and I would return to the uncomfortable feeling of not understanding anything.

Faced with the chaos of those new sensations which began to saturate me, I discovered that I only had one defense: My 'reason'. More than ever, I tried to convince myself that, ultimately, only things that can be fully explained can be true.

Carlos had often noted how deceptive reason can be. Yet, in-spite of everything I had been through, I still felt that I would only be willing, to tolerate his point about 'reason', if I myself witnessed some prodigious act that truly challenged natural laws.

One morning, Carlos and I had an appointment in a restaurant in front of the hotel where he stayed. We were practically alone in the room-- apart from a shoe-shiner who nodded in a corner, and the waiter who looked at us with an air of boredom.

Judging that this was an appropriate moment, I asked Carlos, "Can you prove your teachings to me with some act of power?"

Carlos looked at me with astonishment, as if he had expected anything but this; and he took some seconds to answer me.

Then he responded, saying, "Unfortunately, I can not prove anything to your mind: It is too far gone.

"To validate the nagual, you need freed awareness; and for that, the only source I know of is your impeccability. In the world of energetic awareness, everything has its price, so it depends on you."

I can not silence your mind, but, you can; and thus you yourself will verify what I am telling you."

I asked Carlos what I could do with the doubts which inevitably arose in my mind.

He answered, "Uncertainty is the natural state of victims; on the other hand, trust and audacity are characteristic of predators. You decide.

"The main thing is that you realize that there is no such thing as 'the teachings of Castaneda'. I just try to be direct, and to act from my silence; and that is a course of action which I recommend for you, because it does away with madness.

"I am not a powerful nagual like Don Juan, but I have been a witness to acts that would leave you speechless with surprise. And although I am not your benefactor, I do not mind at all telling you all about my experiences. However, those stories will not tell you anything unless you lower your guard, and allow them to penetrate you.

"If you want to verify the tales of power, you have to open up to experience. Do not shield yourself behind your interpretations, because in spite of all our studies as modern, ordinary men, we know very little about the world.

"You, like any other sorcery apprentice, have an enormous training field, as for example, in your emotional ups and downs. And about your energy drainages-- plug them, and you will see how things change.

"Those eight hours you spend every night like a vegetable, without realizing anything,... explore them. Take control and dare to be a witness. If you elucidate the secrets of your dreams, in the end you will see what I see; and there will not be any more doubts in your mind."

Carlos and I remained silent for a moment while our plates were served.

Carlos interrupted the silence, saying, "Remember, doubts are just mental noise; nothing very deep."

I replied that according to what little I had learned in my passage through life, doubt is the base of all true knowledge.

But Carlos had a different theory. He argued, saying, "So much time is spent accumulating stuff that it becomes very difficult to accept anything new. We are willing to waste years of our life filling out forms, or discussing with friends; but if someone tells us the world is unique and full of magic, we feel distrust and we run to take refuge in our catalog of preconceived ideas.

"On the other hand, a predator fights all his life to perfect his hunting techniques; always keeps his sense of opportunity alert, and is never confused by the appearance of things. He is cautious and patient. He knows that his prey may jump out from any bush, and that the smallest hesitation can be the difference between continuing to live, or perishing. He carries no doubts.

"A warrior is a hunter, not a cynical opportunist. Either he fully accepts the challenge of knowledge, with all that it involves, or his own achievements will regress him to a more awful condition than that of an ordinary man."

I felt that Carlos' words contained a veiled reproach. I tried to justify myself, but he interrupted me, saying, "It is obvious that you have been practicing techniques. In those circumstances, your mind is disturbed. But the pain of your worrying will disappear as soon as you recognize that what you worry about is an implanted doubt.

"Like all of us, you have been trained to pass, all the information you receive, through the filter of reason. You remind me of a dog that lived in a senior citizens home. When somebody, out of pity, threw him some crumb, he got so excited that he could not enjoy it calmly anymore. You are just like that. You are so grateful to your science that you think you owe it something, and that you can not be unfaithful to it. You do not dare to dream. You can not enjoy the magical side of the world.

"You have given yourself a much too deceptive parameter for your verifications: Reason. What I propose is that you substitute that approach with another more reliable and, above all, much wider approach: Sanity. I have already explained to you that sorcerers claim there is a radical difference between the two concepts.

"To understand it better, think, for example, about the history of the world. Most of it was made by very sane people who nevertheless dared to challenge commonly held beliefs: They were opposed to what seemed reasonable at that time.

"If you travel beyond our world, you will see that it is the same there. The universe is not reasonable, but it can be faced with energy and sanity. When you learn how to use it, then you understand it in a basic way-- without words. Who needs words when one is a witness?

"I agree with you in that, from an everyday point of view, concepts of sorcery are completely senseless. But there is a deep dimension to our awareness where the complaints of the mind do not penetrate; and a warrior will not rest until he finds it. Once there, he discovers that his own reason, when it is exercised with inflexible rigor, and in its entirety, will automatically lead to sorcery, because the essence of reason is sobriety, indifference, and non-pity.

"Once he is the owner of his reason and no longer manipulated by it, a sorcerer can attempt the feat of speech; putting into words the unfathomable enigma of existence. But that is such a difficult art that you can only approach it by means of a great energy surplus.

"To be a warrior is an endless fight to be impeccable. The trick of sorcerers is that they know that the energy we invest in enslaving ourselves is the same energy that can liberate us. We just have to re-channel it, and the tales of power will begin to materialize in front of our eyes.

"Therefore, do not fight against your uncertainty. Go with it. Use it as a stimulus for verification and put your uncertainty to the service of your energy needs. Verify everything. Do not let a tale of power remain in the domain of myths. Commit yourself intimately to knowledge; but commit as a warrior, not as a slave of reason!"

Carlos then pointed out an Indian girl who was passing by down the street, with a boy of nine months or so tied to her back. The face of the child radiated an insatiable curiosity, spilling and bubbling out of his black, round eyes which were like small obsidian mirrors; eyes eagerly looking at everything.

Carlos continued, saying, "The warrior's commitment with the spirit consists of a return to our original nature. It is a pact we all seal, by the simple fact of having been born.

"Man is born with the impulse to witness everything, but that impulse is brutally mutilated during the first years, and so we must rediscover it. You have to clean your concern of all prejudice, and return to that boy's pure curiosity. A warrior is forced to verify all the knowledge that arrives at his door; forced to experience it in full, no matter where it comes from. And then he has to have the necessary discerning ability to select and keep what is useful."

I asked Carlos, "Should I also apply that discerning ability to the path you preach?"

Carlos seemed bothered by my question, and replied in a firm tone, saying, "I have already told you that there is no 'Castanedian' way, just as there is no Buddha's way, nor one of Jesus Christ. Have you not understood yet that teachers are not necessary? I am not selling you merchandise, and I do not care if you agree with me. I am only pointing out an address to you out of sheer impersonal affection: Go and verify it, if that is what you want; and if not, keep your doubts."

As we were saying our goodbyes, Carlos told me, "You should not pay too much attention to your worries. They are symptomatic. Something in your interior is giving in, and it is normal for your human form to defend itself. Very soon, your dealings with the nagual will make you shake in your boots, and you will need your sanity like never before. Maybe you will regret ever having asked me for a sign!"